Why I Hate You: A Simple Guide

No one likes Nickelback.  More specifically, no one with a soul likes Nickelback.  They can't even spell nickle correctly.  They embody everything douchey in the world really, and everybody knows it.  However, when you stop and think about it, it's often hard to think of just WHY you hate them, or really anything else.  I mean, why are such things as greasy long hair douchey?  The same applies to sports: how can one be sure they hate any specific team?  While I certainly can't give you a reason for all your unfounded hatred, let me at least try.  Because without hatred, what is sports other than a fun past time that doesn't cause health problems?

Tony La Russa: No, the Brewers aren't changing the stadium lights to screw with you.  You just lost a game, stop making excuses like a 5 yr. old.

Boston: Being a hypocrite is not endearing.  Yes, the Yankees outspend everybody and that's not fair, but so do you guys!  Yes, Maxim Lapierre shouldn't taunt your players about biting fingers, but neither should YOUR OWN PLAYERS. Ya, Rajon Rondo is an impressive point guard, but most guards can make a jumper.  There needs to be a middle ground where everything about Boston isn't the greatest of all time (Tom Brady isn't even the best quarterback of HIS generation) and everything outside of Boston isn't Satan.  You guys just need to accept that, and learn that not only does Kevin Garnett's shit stink like everybody else's, but being an overbearing racist isn't ok nowadays.

Sean Avery: Just stop and be nice to a goalie for once.  Hell, be nice to anybody.

Skip Bayless: I get it, you want to sound important and have people pay attention to you.  This doesn't mean you should just be as contrarian as possible about everything.  There comes a point that that's just as predictable as anything else.

Oklahoma City Thunder/NBA Owners: You damn well know what you did.

Ray Lewis, Donte Stallworth, and Leonard Little: You all killed people.  How do you act like that's not a big deal?  At least show some remorse, damn.

Carmelo Anthony: It sure is tough to be a top ten player when you play zero defense and can barely rebound.  You're Bernard King, just get used to it.

The NCAA: Under 30% of the UConn basketball team graduates, and you're fine with that.  Boise State wants to play in the Big East, and that's cool.  Every single team that wants to get ahead commits more recruiting violations than Tom Osborne could have ever dreamed of, and you don't give a damn.  But God forbid one coach buys a kid a bagel with cream cheese on it...

Yuniesky Betancourt: I hate that you can be in the playoffs.  Just stop swinging.  You're not even at bat, there is no physical way you could hit the ball right now.

Patrick Kane: Congratulations, you've become the living embodiment of the  bad guy from the Karate Kid.  Mullet?  Check.  Uncalled for violence? Check.  Think you're the best around, and that nothing's ever gonna keep you down?  Check.  Beaten up by a skinny 15 yr old?  Just watch out for Nathan Gerbe...

Billy Beane: You're so innovative that you can't even get your team to finish second in a four team division, let alone make the playoffs.  Congrats on not making it to the playoffs for the last five years, you magician you.  Even the Indians have made it since then.  Besides, what innovations have you even come up with!?  Hey guys, what if we convert somebody from any other position to first base?  That's never been done before, no.  You never replaced Jason Giambi like you want people to think, all you did was keep riding Zito, Hudson, and Mulder.  Remember that time the Mariners replaced all of Raul Ibanez's production by already having Felix Hernandez on the team?  Same thing!

The SEC:  I've got to hand it to you, at least you're consistent.  Not a one of you outside of Vanderbilt has any sort of notion of student-athletes.  You guys gave up on that years ago, all you care about is winning at any cost.  Hell, you've convinced the entire nation that you're head and shoulders above every other conference thanks to impressive teams like Ole Miss (2-6) and Tennessee (3-5).  Plus, almost 85% of your coaches are insufferable assholes, so at least you're consistent.

Curtis Granderson:  You will never be forgiven for costing me a perfect game in MLB: The Show 08 by dropping that easy fly out.  That was Chien-Ming Wang's only chance!

Luke Scott:  Not you alone so much as the entire conservative movement that is as blatantly racist as you.  You were shown Obama's birth certificate in an interview and STILL didn't believe it.  If it's so easy to get a fake birth certificate, why don't you show me YOURS, Luke Scott?  Or should I say, Luke STALIN!?

Terrence Jones:  Oh don't think I forgot about you.  Don't act like you didn't get paid off to go to Kentucky.  Just admit it, the SEC won't care.  But nobody goes on television and commits to a school and then changes their mind immediately after a ten minute phone call without something fishy going on.  That or you're just so stupid you can't even make your own decisions, in which case I hate you for having such luxuries as your upcoming NBA salary and University of Kentucky basketball salary given to you.

Brett Favre:  I'd yell at you, but I don't know if your hearing aid is even turned on to hear me.  Just stay out of everybody's lives forever please, ok?  All you were good at was throwing interceptions and hoping Donald Driver could jump high enough to save you.

My Luck:  Hey there, ten yr old Matt.  You've still got a choice on your favorite teams.  I get it, your family loves the Mariners, it makes sense, but you want to have your own team.  So who do you choose?  The San Diego freakin' Padres.  The team with less budget than the local production of Oedipus on Ice.  A team that has drafted about as well as, well, the Seattle Mariners.  A team with a World Series record of 0-8.  As in they've been swept the only two times they've made it in their 40 year history.  Well you've got a chance with other sports, what about basketball?  The Sonics?  Ya, they're historically very good, a solid choice.  I mean, there's no chance of them being randomly moved to the shittiest town in Amer- oh goddammit.  Maybe hockey?  Oh, the Canucks?  Really?  I... I can't look at you right now...