Shootyhoops Basketmakers: The NBA's Most Fuckable

NBA PILFs

It only takes a few games before any basketball fan starts to think of the most important factor in one’s enjoyment of the sport: which NBA players do I most want to fuck?  There are a thousand factors in any basketball game, for both the players and fans, but this is the question at the core of the very sport.  Many have gone insane trying to rank every NBA player, while men like Mike Fratello long ago realized exactly who was their number one PILF and refuse to let any know, lest they lose their chance at glory.

For new fans, this can be a daunting hurdle to overcome in basketball fandom.  Granted, it is much easier to simply abandon the sport than work out if Thabo Sefolosha is more sexually attractive than Damon Stoudamire.  These are important questions and questions that must be answered.  Any society that believe itself to be advanced absolutely must consider which of its basketball players are the most fuckable.  Certainly, this is a much easier question when thought of as a singular answer; that is, there must be only one correct answer to this, as only one NBA player is truly who you want to fuck. 

If this were true, there would be no problem at all: the answer is Chandler Parsons.  However, this ignores the real issue here.  Every NBA player needs to be ranked by how fuckable they are in comparison to their fellow professional basketeers.

Is personal taste involved in such a question?  Is it a completely subjective idea that cannot have a perfect answer?  No, of course not.  There are very exacting standards that must be agreed upon by all and cannot be argued in any way.  Fuckability is objective, especially in NBA players.  If you believe otherwise you are the devil.

For the layperson looking to be laid by a person, there are a few important parameters to keep in mind.  The rankings listed below[1] follow a very well thought out and not at all ridiculous set of measurements as to just why one player is more desirable than another.  This is a scientific study done for the good of mankind.  About which NBA player you would rather fuck.

Musculature: For the most part, this can be ignored.  Almost all NBA players are in excellent physical condition.  As such, this becomes one of the least important factors.  While Ben Wallace may be a more muscular man than Kirk Hinrich, they are both in very good shape.  This is not to discount the extreme ends of the spectrum, of course.  Shawn Bradley is a hideous man for having little to no visible muscles.  He should be disgusted with himself for depriving the world of what would almost certainly be strong, caring arms to hold his lover with if only he had put in the effort.

Fitness: Similarly, almost every NBA player in history is in shape.  This category is considered merely to remind the reader that Oliver Miller was a gigantic fat man and will not be near the top of this list nor near it at all except as an anchor to hold it in place.  For you see, he was fat.

Game: There is undeniably a sexy way to play basketball.  The silky smooth jumpers of a Stephen Curry can have a sort of sensual seduction in just the same way that Darrell Griffith floating across the floor before destroy the rim and any nearby defenders can arose one’s libido.  There is a place in the world of the PILFs for both the beautiful and the ferocious in terms of one’s playing style.  There is not a place for Tyler Hansbrough.  And Charles Oakley?  Get out of here you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Piercing Blue Eyes Combined with an Impish Grin Suggesting That While He May Play He Truly Loves You: Chandler Parsons.

Personality: Are they fun?  Do they have your best interests at heart?  Are you both going into this for the same reasons?  Will they care about your pleasure?  Will they wear a rubber (looking at you, Shawn Kemp)?  Personality is extremely important in not only determining sexual attractiveness but also in how rewarding the sexual experience will be.  Nobody wants to sleep with a sourpuss like Mo Lucas but the playful antics of a Matt Bonner seem like they’d be just as enjoyable while he’s inside you.

Looks: Listen, being a PILF is going to mean being objectified a bit.  It’s not all about how you play or how you act.  You’ve got to have the looks.  Nice face, nice gams, no additional Kuato-an growths: these are all very important.  We’re not going to fuck just anybody, after all.

With that all in mind, here is the comprehensive list of NBA PILFs, compiled in order with reasoning offered most of the time.  Keep in mind that this list includes every NBA PILF ever: anyone not listed IS NOT FUCKABLE.  Their omission is not due to laziness or boredom with the very idea of PILFs.

Number One[2]: Chandler Parsons

Cut me off a slab of that beef so I can fuck it.

There is nothing about Chandler Parsons that is not the sexiest thing imaginable.  Musculature?  He’s strong enough that you can try out some of those really athletic positions where he holds you up or does pull ups synched to his thrusts, but he’s not in-your-face about it.  You won’t be embarrassed by your own fitness level when you look at Chandler’s beautiful body.  You will, however, be dripping wet (man or woman, doesn’t matter).

What about playing style?  Chandler is all smooth, approachable jumpers.  Every three-pointer he takes isn’t overly confident or reckless, but brimming with just the right amount of confidence.  You’re always happy to see Chandler take a shot, yet he passes just as willingly.  He’s not a pure distributor: no, Chandler passes WHEN IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.  He’ll contribute everywhere you need him to.  Chandler knows your foibles and he’s willing to make up for them with his own game.  He’s not trying to show you up, he just cares.

Personality?  Oh boy.  Chandler is a grinning vixen, willing to joke around in interviews and have fun but never at the expense of the gameplan.  Chandler gets that basketball, like life, is about enjoying yourself.  You’ll always have fun with Chandler.  He’s the kind of guy that you can call “Chandler” when you first meet him and it will definitely be ok with him.

And looks?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Chandler has the kind of smile that makes you cream your pants.  One look from those baby blues and you’ll be wondering if this is the last orgasm you’ll ever have.  There is nothing about him that is not perfectly made to please.  Even that fauxhawk would look a bit douchey on most people, but Chandler not only pulls it off but makes it look like the only hairstyle that should ever exist in the world.

In short: if you are not attracted to Chandler Parsons, you’re dead.  Even eunuchs would regrow their balls for a chance at that action.

Number 93- Isiah Thomas

"Haha I tried to rape a woman."

Even if he didn’t know how to spell his name, Isiah Thomas was a very fuckable player.  He looked like a real human rather than one of the gigantic mutated monstrosities used to protect the rim in the 1980s NBA.  Thomas was an approachable man with a smooth jumper and smoother dribble.  He played stifling defense without it looking as gross as defense often does, which was another wonderful plus.

Unfortunately, Thomas leaned toward decidedly unfuckable play often.  Thomas was known to take charges left and right, which is really just falling over really hard and flopping like a fish.  Not fuckable.  He also was content with mid-range jumpers and completely normal layups as his offensive go-tos.  Not fuckable.  Thomas was also a frequent beneficiary of Bill Laimbeer screens.  Anything involving Bill Laimbeer is not fuckable.

Regardless, Thomas has the physical chops and raw basketball stats to be considered for fuckability.  He averaged 19 PPG in his career to go along with 9 APG and 1.9 SPG.  He once averaged 21/4/14 with 2 steals, which seems like a misprint.  Is it a misprint?  It’s probably a misprint.  He made 12 All-Star teams, mingling with the NBA’s fuckable elite and always coming away with a new trick to use on the court/in a vagina.  Thomas once scored 16 points in just over a minute and a half to secure a comeback win in the playoffs as a rookie[3].

Thomas was a confident player who often leaned toward brashness, a dangerous balancing act that often hurt his fuckability if not his on-court production.  It was almost impossible to take the ball away from Thomas once he had it.  In the four years in which he average double-digit assists, Thomas averaged a total of 3.9 TOPG.  DeMarcus Cousins averaged that per quarter.

Isiah Thomas exists in that awkward in-between area.  It’s easy to convince one’s self that Isiah Thomas is a fuckable player just as it is easy to say he isn’t at all.  There was no easy conclusion, with each game wildly swinging how good-looking his game was.  Isiah Thomas is perhaps more of a personal taste player than any other, though one thing is abundantly clear: Isiah Thomas thinks he is very fuckable no matter what you say and a teeny tiny $11.5 million sexual harassment settlement isn’t going to change his mind.

Number Five- Dominique Wilkins

Running right into my heart.

Sure, his face is a little too round, but come on now.  That's nitpicking, and there's no need for that.  Wilkins was built like a muscular person (because he was, in fact, a muscular person), had no visible deformities, and that moustache was doing the Lord's work.  Just based on his physical appearance, Dominique Wilkins was a fuckable player.

This isn't all about physical appearance, however, and that's where Wilkins shines.  Wilkins, or "Domi" as he was called by no one, had the sexiest game out there.  He dunked beautifully, forgoing pure power for acrobatics that looked easy.  Wilkins was silky smooth with his game, seeming to float in the air forever as he let loose with an array of dunks, layups, and dlayunks.  When Wilkins was on the court, it was natural to assume that he would score when he felt like it.  If it weren't for the chip inside his brain that cut off all receptors between his brain and his extremities placed there by Michael Jordan, Wilkins probably would have led the Hawks to a number of finals berths and championships.  As it was, Jordan's mad sciencery forced the Hawks to rely upon Kevin Willis, who was the biblical character Methuselah, and Pearl Jam, who was a nice little point guard who led the league in steals twice but really went downhill after Vitalogy.

Outside of his rookie year, Wilkins averaged over 20 PPG every season in Atlanta, including two seasons over 30 and two more over 29.  Wilkins only once averaged as much as a block a game, which is a slight detraction from his sexual appeal but he also was just so smooth.  If Wilkins was a food, he would be just the soft innards of Lindor truffles.  Who doesn't eat one of those and think: boy, I want to fuck this chocolate?

There's a beauty in a strength-based game, such as that employed by Shaquille O'Neal or Hercules O'Basketballman.  There's also a beauty in finesse play, all choreographed movements and soft touches.  Wilkins managed to combine the two completely naturally, imbuing his movements with just enough strength and aggressiveness to make for an adventurous night of love-making.  And make no mistake, with Dominique Wilkins, you will be making love.

Number Infinite- Adam Morrison

What the fuck is this?

 Just kidding.  This is a joke.  Adam Morrison is a horrific, disgusting near-human, born of some unholy union between man and beast.  No one should ever fuck Adam Morrison under any circumstances, lest they find their nethers rotted off to nothingness.

Number 775- Rich Kelley

And he reads? NERD.

 1970's Adam Morrison.

Number 118- Rick Barry

No comment necessary.

Here's the thing.  Rick Barry was an incredible player, capable of carrying teams into the elite stratosphere entirely by himself.  He could do things defenders hadn't even considered possible.  Not only that, he was built, with all the requisite physical attributes of masculine beauty.

That hair though.

Hair matters, and Rick Barry had about the worst hair possible.  If your haircut looks the same as a 1950s housewife's, it's not a good look.  Rick Barry's hair was bad enough to negate almost his entire fuckability.  If you have access to a motorcycle helmet or carefully cut out paper bag, then by all means, fuck Rick Barry.  Otherwise, no thanks.

Number Eight- Marques Johnson

Hey there, muscley arms.

Johnson had a winning smile, averaged 20/7/3.5 in his career, and had shoulders that spanned the continental shelf.  You could land an airplane on those shoulders.  If one train left Marques Johnson's left shoulder heading east at 35 MPH and another left his right shoulder heading west at 45 MPH, they would never meet.  If Marques Johnson and James Caan stood next to each other, they would wrap around the Earth.

Johnson was a perennial All-Star stuck on teams that did not matter in the least, forced to ply his trade away from adoring eyes.  This was a true travesty, as Marques Johnson played basketball like teen-aged football team captains think they fuck.  He flowed around the court in an entirely unique way.  It wasn't that Johnson was graceful (which he was), but more than he was laid-back, as if each movement could be taken in it's own time, with no rush necessary because no one could stop him.

After his second year in the NBA, when Johnson scored 25.6 PPG as a 22-year-old, he took it upon himself to try and help his fellow NBAers.  He wanted to give back to the community, to teach them all to play as fuckably as he did.  This was why Johnson began to play as if he were at half-speed: he merely wanted everyone watching to see what he was doing so that they could replicate it.  Sadly, it is not so easy to recreate Hieronymous Bosch's The Garden of Earthly Delight or Chopin's Nocture in E Flat Major or Julius J. Carry's Sho'nuff as to watch it be done slowly.  Some works require a true artist, and Marques Johnson was one of the highest caliber.

Number 35- Tree Rollins

Depends: want to get fucked by a tree?

Number 61- Reggie Miller

There is little as pretty as a perfect jumper, but constant bragging isn’t a good look.  Sure, Reggie Miller might be a good-looking fella who knows what he’s doing but there’s no way he’ll let you forget those facts.  Reggie Miller is going to talk the entire time about how great he is and how everything he does is the best.  If you’re into it, he will definitely choke you.

On the court, Miller was very pretty, all jumpers and other jumpers and some more jumpers.  Miller averaged 18 a game in his career and had a stretch of four straight years over 20 PPG.  What he didn’t do was pass, or rebound, or do things that weren’t jumpers.  Yes, sometimes steals count as jumpers.

He was known for his clutch plays, which are undeniably the sexiest type of play.  Miller once scored eight points in nine seconds.  He had a 25-point fourth quarter in Game Five of the 1994 Eastern Conference Finals.  He hit a game-winner over Michael Jordan to win Game Four of the 1998 Eastern Conference Finals.  He banked in a 40-foot shot at the buzzer to force overtime in the 2002 playoffs.  He pissed off Spike Lee, which is always great.

Miller was one of the first players to popularize the three-point shot for the casual fan.  He shot 39.5% from behind the arc in his career.  In his heyday, Miller shot 42.3% from behind the arc over a five-year stretch, taking over five a game.  It was all very impressive in its time, when people didn’t know that Ray Allen or other good players would soon exist.

All of this combined with his likeable features and acceptably enticing face should be enough to vault him up the list.  Unfortunately, Reggie Miller is just so damn stupid.  Not only does he insist on how great he is and smart he is and how you love him, but he’s really dumb doing it too.  Miller doesn’t really know anything at all about basketball and tries to counteract this by insisting loudly that he knows everything about basketball.

The same is almost certainly true sexually.  Miller will probably just stick his tongue in your mouth and then tell you how great he did.  You will not enjoy having sex with Reggie Miller and you will regret having done so.

Number 15- Freddie Lewis

Is happy to meet your parents anytime.

Sometimes, all it takes is once thing and Freddie Lewis has the smile of a god.  It's cute, it's inviting, it's just a bit devilish, it's got something for everyone.  If you don't like that he was a career ABA guy, he's ok with that.  He'll just smile at you and let you know that it doesn't matter to him, he loves you anyway.  If smiles could fuck, then this would be the one to visit first.

Number 135- Marquis Daniels

If you're into hentai, his hair is perfect for you.  Otherwise: hard pass.

Number 125- Patrick Ewing

If you're going to have a high top at least do it right.  Speaking of which...

Number 19- Kenny Walker

 There you go big fella, that's how you do it.  Sure his game could use some cleaning up, but some of that raw power is appreciated to be sure.  Only so many men can pull off the Dr. J under-the-basket lay-up and even fewer can turn it into a dunk, defender or no.  Kenny Walker also had the sexiest of defensive skills: blocking shots at the apex of their release with a sort of blunt fierceness that ended any attack.  Walker didn't send the ball into the stands in a show of over-the-top masculinity and he didn't tip the ball ever so slightly, he simply enforced his will on the shooter, stopping all offensive thrust with a reinforcement of his status as top dog.

He also didn't know how to dribble without hitting one or both of his knees with the ball, so there's that.

Number 400- Chris Kaman

Possibly in Slipknot.

Kaman has never looked anything but disgusting.  His face is kind of odd and made only more so by the assortment of beards and haircuts he has insisted upon over the years.  Basically, Chris Kaman is an ugly man that accentuates that on purpose. 

He's no more muscular than anyone else, nor is he particularly fat or anything like that.  Kaman's build is perfectly acceptable, technically, but as a whole it just isn't good.  Pasty, doughy seven-footers aren't a hot commodity.

Now, his game?  His game is also disgusting.  Kaman made his name plying his trade for the Los Angeles Clippers of the mid-2000s, one of the least sexy teams imaginable.  All he does is throw elbows, seemingly on accident.  Kaman does not know how to move without hurting another human being and so tries to elbow everyone within two steps of him.  He made an All-Star team once, a true travesty matched only by Jamal Magloire.  The difference between the two being that Kaman actually averaged 18 and 9, while Jamal Magloire averaged negative stats during his All-Star season.

One time, Kaman averaged 16 and 13 with 2.8 BPG over a season.  No one cared, because he was on the Clippers.  Bobby Simmons averaged 16 points, six rebounds, and three assists once for the Clippers, and I'm not making that up.  It doesn't matter.  Any stat recorded for the Los Angeles Clippers before 2013 doesn't count.  Especially not Chris Kaman's stats, which have all been recorded through intimidation and concussive forgetfulness.

In his spare time, Kaman shoots giant animals with even larger guns.  Do not have sex with Chris Kaman, as he will probably wear your skin like a vest.

Number 95 (if you're 13 years old, move him up to number one)- Karl Malone

After noticing an elementary class field trip in the gym.

Say hello to the gun show.  Karl Malone was all guns, both figuratively and literally.  He'll bring you hunting for quail when all you really want is for him to hunt for your cooch, but don't worry, he'll get to that too.

Malone inhabits a very unique space (as the only universally-beloved child rapist) in basketball history as a man who put up ridiculous stats, is in the Hall of Fame, and just isn't all that fuckable.  Do you like pick-and-rolls?  Perfect, have sex with Karl Malone.  If you don't, there's nothing here for you.  Malone was one-half of Utah's pick-and-roll duo and John Stockton's game was really the fuckable portion of the two (nothing else about John Stockton is fuckable).  Over a span of 12 years, Malone only once averaged under 25 PPG, including a stretch of six years over 27.  He averaged double-digit rebounds for nine years straight.  Four times he averaged a steal and a block per game.

What he didn't do was anything interesting.  Almost all of his points were lay-ups or short-range jumpers.  Occasionally, he'd mix in a dunk that reminded people that dunks had once been against the rules and maybe that wasn't such a bad thing after all.  His rebounding prowess was all positioning, which is even boring to type.  Nothing he did was noteworthy (except the statutory rape of a 13-year-old).

Look, this is a Hall of Famer and one of the top 25 players of all time and I can't bring myself to write more about him than I would about Campy Russell.  If you need a quick fuck with a muscular lump of clay, go for Karl Malone.

Number 69- Vonteego Cummings

Yeeeeeeeeeaah bro!

Number Four- Nene

Also a Hawaiian goose.  Who knew?

There's a lot to like about Nene: he's built well, but has a sort of everyman look (you know, those 6'10" everymen).  Nene is approachable and will never stop smiling.  He can say some sexy Portuguese things to you, which is just less-sexy Spanish.  His name is short enough that it's just right for yelling out in the throes of passion.

That's a sexy haircut, too.  Everyone likes a unique look as long as it doesn't go too far and Nene has that.  He's a beautiful big sexy baby and you'll be able to pick him out in any crowd, making it that much easier to fuck him in a hurry.

With career averages of 12/6.6/2, Nene's stats don't really look very sexy, it's true.  It's not all totals though.  Nene doesn't score so often because it's hard to score so sexy all the time.  Conditions have to be just right or else it'd be an everyday layup and nobody wants that.

Every play Nene makes is perfectly sexy, his hair's wild palpitations the only hint that he is exerting any effort.  Nene will only make beautiful music on the court: no other play is worth it.  This is why often rebounds will bounce in front of Nene as he refuses to pick up the ball less it ruin his sexiness.

For a man from the world’s second-most fuckable nation[4], Nene is a standout even amongst his countrymen.  10/10, would fuck again[5].

Number 181- Terrell Brandon

Honestly, a pretty vanilla option.  Brandon was a good point guard his entire career, never really shining outside of back-to-back All-Star selections in 1995-96 and 96-97, when he averaged 19/3/6 and 1.8 steals each year.  Brandon’s game consisted of incredibly slow dribbles that seemed impossible NOT to steal followed by a spin move that was really more of a turning-in-a-circle-at-half-speed move.  Brandon was perfectly fine to watch play basketball but far from an arousing player.

Similarly, Terrell Brandon was an attractive man in that no obvious atrocities had been committed upon his face or body.  Nothing was wrong with Terrell Brandon.  Go ahead and have sex with him.

Number 45- Jason Williams

It's like he's trying to get turned down.

Not to be confused with Jayson Williams, who murdered his limo driver but was a pretty good-looking dude.  No, we’re here to talk about White Chocolate, the sexiest candy that has unfortunately been forever tied to the ugliest of men.  Jason Williams had very little going for him physically: he was scrawny, had a widow’s peak pronounced enough that it was a suspect in the death of all four of its dearly departed husbands, and he had tattoos. Tattoos aren’t inherently wrong. They are on Jason Williams. Tattoos do not look good on Jason Williams, a problem exacerbated by the fact that he just kept adding more to see if they would somehow look better with friends. Knuckle tattoos aren’t a good look.

There are more factors to fuckability than just one’s appearance.  Unfortunately, all of the parameters must be applied fairly.  As unfortunate as it is, Jason Williams rockets up the fuckability list once his gameplay is taken into account.

Williams threw the sort of pass people pretended Pete Maravich could throw.  He was passing off his elbow in the middle of fast breaks for no reason other than it being just so sexy.  Every sort of pass that was reserved for very specific situations (behind the back, bounce, what have you) were used on the regular by Williams for NO REASON WHATSOEVER.  Did he need to fake a pass to his right with one arm, transfer the ball to his left arm, then throw the same pass he had faked behind his back?  No, of course not.

White Chocolate knew how to pass as well as any point guard but he knew how to pass SEXY better than anyone ever born.  John Stockton was a better point guard without a doubt but nobody was dropping their drawers for some simple chest passes and thigh hair.

In this manner, Williams’ raw stats to little to moisten one’s bathroom area.  He never averaged 15 PPG, he only twice reached 8 APG, and he shot under 40% for his career.  He once took 6.6 threes per game despite shooting 29.5% from behind the arc that year.  Stats are worthless in evaluating Jason Williams.  Did I not tell you about how he threw a fastbreak, behind-the-back pass of his elbow FOR NO REASON!?  Shut up. 

Jason Williams is the guy you meet in a bar that you are immediately disgusted by until you talk to him.  The next morning, you awake and look at him, wondering how you could ever get so drunk as to want THAT.  Then your memory catches up and your are flooded with the tricks he pulled in the bedroom.  While you still kick him out of your house immediately and refuse to admit what happened to your friends, your late night dalliances continue for years on end.  No one can get enough White Chocolate.

Number 300- James Harden

Sometimes, an elite player can be disgusting in every possible way!  If you like free throws, go with Corey Maggette.  If you like winning, go with Bill Sharman.  If you hate defense, go with Andrea Bargnani.  If you like beards, go with Baron Davis.  Hell, go with Butch Beard.  Anything but this.

Number 598- Reggie Theus

Don’t think we don’t remember that mullet.

Number 23- Walt Frazier

The outfit that created the 1970s.

Styles have changed in the last few decades.  Sometimes, the sexiest players of eons past don’t hold up to today’s exacting standards.  Maybe, in another 100 years, Chandler Parsons won’t be considered sexy[6].  The ravages of time put an end to many a possible sexual encounter.

Walt Frazier is no fuckable Ozymandias.  Frazier’s sideburns look purposefully comical in today’s world even if they were the height of style in 1972.  “Clyde,” as he was inexplicably known, was all confidence, however, which more than makes up for any social gaps between he and his presumably-time-travelling paramour[7].  The only reason Frazier is so low, in fact, is because of this factor: that Frazier’s hair and propensity to speaking only in rhyming couplets and sonnets just don’t hold up well in today’s world.  If it weren’t for that, Frazier would be an easy top ten candidate.

A no-doubt Hall of Famer, Clyde was a scorer, a passer, and a lover of the game.  This is to say that every time Walt Frazier took the court, he was making love to the sport of basketball.  Five times Clyde scored over 40 in a game and seven times he recorded over 15 assists.  He was a seven-time All-Star, which each successive honor becoming more and more sexually pleasing.  Clyde was also known to be “faster than a lizard’s tongue” and everyone knows lizards are reputed masters of cunnilingus[8].  He made seven All-Defensive Teams and six All-NBAs.

Walt Frazier also wore mink coats to the arena before games and never once sweated.  It is physically impossible for Walt Frazier to become tired in any way.  Clyde played over 40 MPG for six straight seasons, working in 60 playoff games during that time as well.  Never once during that span did a single bead of perspiration appear upon his forehead.  Never once did he breathe heavily.  Walt Frazier was unshakably cool, so much so that he defeated nature’s own cooling process.  Why sweat when he was already as cool as possible?

Twice did Walt Frazier win the NBA championship all by himself, aided only by a team with multiple other Hall of Famers on it.  He averaged 19/6/6 in his career.  In the first two seasons in which the NBA recorded steals as an official statistic, Clyde averaged 2 SPG and 2.4 SPG.  His movement on the court was of a man bemused by those tiny peasants around him.  Walt Frazier was toying with the opposition at all times and yet no one could get angry at him: he was too damn suave.

In 1971, Walt Frazier was paired with Earl “The Clam” Monroe, long considered one of the sexiest players in basketball.  There were questions as to how two players with such dominant games could coexist, as the NBA at that time limited the amount of sex appeal allowed on the court at once.  Somehow, this never hindered Frazier.  He dubbed the pairing the “Rolls Royce Backcourt” before rattling off four straight 20 PPG seasons.

Walt Frazier had a smile that swallows worlds and makes them thank him for the privilege and it’s not hard to see why.  This was a man that had everything he could ever want and only wished to share it with you.  Clothe yourself in nothing but his piped velour blazer and go at it.  Walt Frazier is what you’ve been dreaming about.  Walt Frazier is why people in the 1970s were sexually active.  He made it cool[9].

Number 100- Wilt Chamberlain

Ready for a night on the town.

A huge upset that Wilt could be ranked this low.  The most important factor here is his effort in the fucking: Wilt is exceptionally experienced, but does it mean anything to him anymore?  Is he really going to be trying at all or just going through the motions?  Maybe you do get off, great.  Maybe every single sexual experience with Wilt Chamberlain is pure bliss brought on by decades of grueling practice.  Does that seem likely, though?  Does it really?

Sex with Wilt Chamberlain is sex with a machine that is designed only for sex.  There is no unexpected pleasure, no spontaneity, no spark.  You’re basically masturbating with a 7’2” dildo.  Which is still much better than Adam Morrison.

Number 134- Rasheed Wallace 

An action shot of Sheed posting up.

If you’re an ass man, here’s your white whale.  Sheed is the inspiration for the song “Anaconda” by Nicki Minaj.  He is, in fact, the inspiration for Nicki Minaj.  Sheed is Butt.  They are inseparable.

Honestly, if butts aren’t your thing, Sheed[10] doesn’t bring much to the table physically.  He was a little chubby, he had the most visible bald spot this side of Manu Ginobili, and he moved as if he was so high he had forgot he had limbs[11].  His hair went unkempt, clumping together as it strived upwards to escape the cannabis smoke choking it from below.

To like Sheed, one has to love two things: butts and irrational screaming.  Sheed knew that, like his heart, the ball don’t lie and would not hesitate to let everyone know this.  He was once given a technical foul for yelling exactly this out after a missed free throw by the opposition.  Don’t think Sheed won’t be screaming similar things at you during sex.

Once one gets past all Sheed’s eccentricities, there is a lot to like on the court.  Sheed had a beautiful jumper even if he insisted on pushing himself further and further back to take it.  Arms raised high, almost straight above his head, Sheed would fire away from anywhere he felt like it, often fading away to make it look cooler than it was.  Young Sheed could dunk with a beautiful ferocity that carried with it hints of balletic movement.  Old Sheed…elbowed people a lot.

There was a lot of elbowing with Sheed, honestly.

Sheed’s game may never have been the sexiest in the world, but Old Sheed’s lasting image degrades the beauty of Young Sheed’s game.  While with the Portland Trailblazers, Sheed averaged 17/7/2 with a block and a steal over eight seasons.  He was always a menace defensively and had just the right combination of athleticism and being really pissed off all the time until age and weed began to erode those skills.

Really, it’s the passion Sheed brings that is going to make fucking him worth it.  Whereas Reggie Miller is desperate to prove to you he is the best, Sheed knows that he is and wants only to go about being the best.  You will be pleased and you will be motivated, for Sheed is a master motivator.  A keen analytical mind hides beneath Sheed’s many layers of old man scruff and resin: Sheed knows all the little tricks nobody notices but, when added together, make for a mind-blowing experience.  He’s not the best choice, but dammit if you won’t remember fucking Sheed.

Number 627- Walt Hazzard

Walt Hazzard looked like a baby took steroids and grew to 6’2”, then tapped a moustache on to try and convince people he was an adult.

Number Two- Pete Maravich

Longing...FOR YOU!

Worse hair than Chandler Parsons but ever so much better game.  Maravich had eyes so beautiful that one look could make you die of a sudden heart attack during a pickup basketball game.  He was such a charmer that the NBA let him wear “Pistol” on the back of his jersey instead of his actual name.  Pete Maravich successfully seduced the entirety of the NBA’s decision-making bureaucracy and never even called them back.

A few important notes about Pete Maravich before we continue: if you happen to find him during one of his moustache years, you’ve lost the fuck lottery.  That was a bad moustache by any measure but those used by Pete Maravich, apparently.  No, we’re looking for peak Jazz Maravich, the most fuckable Maravich.  The one with probing eyes, Puck’s grin, and hair made for sensual runnings-through of the fingers.  Just don’t let him be on top, as his arms will probably get tired after like two minutes.

Every pass White Chocolate made, Maravich made decades earlier, only he made it obvious that no other pass would have done the job there.  Maravich absolutely needed to through underhand outlet passes every play: he had the arm strength of a preteen boy.  Passing has never been sexier than when Pete Maravich did it.

Forget I said that.  Basketball has never been sexier than when Pete Maravich did it.  It was just right.  It was not uncommon for opponents to quit the sport a few games after playing against Maravich, noting that their heart was no longer in it.  The beauty of the sport was drained away simply by watching it all exuding from Maravich’s game.  No one could come close to his abilities.

The raw stats for Maravich present a man that is probably pretty fuckable.  Few players can average over 30 PPG in a season and not be fuckable, though Allen Iverson continuously proved that wrong.  Maravich did so just once, going for 31/5/5 in 1976-77 on a New Orleans Jazz team that played E.C. Coleman 30 minutes a night and regretted every second of it.  Coleman was named to the All-Defensive first team that season mostly due to his excellent defense against himself every night.  In all but two years in Maravich’s career he averaged over 21 PPG: his second year, when he scored just 19 PPG, and his final year, when he scored just 14 PPG after getting bored and falling asleep during the third game of the season.

The three-pointer didn’t exist until Maravich’s last season, which everyone agrees was a shame.  As a white person, Maravich is presumed to have been an excellent three-point shooter that would have undoubtedly lit it up from long range.  Instead, Maravich scored in any way he could, tossing up jumpers and weird layups that began at his hip and appeared to accidentally slip out of his hands every time.  He could do things no one else could all while playing for a team with no one else that could.  At all.  The Jazz were just awful.

Yet Maravich persevered, determined to remain sexy as hell no matter what was put in his way.  He ball-faked every chance he got even though it was a bad ball fake and just drew more defenders for his shot.  Maravich knew this: he just wanted to look a little sexier and what’s sexier than a good double team?

The vast majority of Maravich’s passes looked like jokes, with Pistol Pete whiffing on his first attempt at knocking the ball to his teammate before purposefully pushing it the other way as it bounced back to the floor.  Maravich would start a crossover dribble, only to pass the ball through his legs and across the paint.  He could fake a behind-the-back pass and turn it into a full-court bounce pass.  He would throw the ball backwards over his shoulder under the assumption that Bill Bridges would be there.  Each and every time he did this, Bill Bridges would appear there, compelled to do so by the power of Christ.

Having sex with Pete Maravich brings all the joys of having sex with White Chocolate except that you know from the second you see him it’ll be that good.  You want to brag to your friends, and they feel cool just to know someone who was penetrated by such a master.  Pete Maravich didn’t seem like he could do anything on the court: what he did on the court was unimaginable.  No one could conceive of such things.  Pete Maravich is only downgraded for never playing any defense and looking a little like a preteen boy.

Number 260- Thurl Bailey

Googly googles and no chin put Thurl in a hole to begin with.  His game only makes it worse.  His name is “Thurl,” for god’s sake.  You’re going to yell “Thurl” out during sex?

Number 250- John Gianelli

Backup centers would usually not rank very highly on this list (or any list), but John Gianelli was a good-looking guy.  Give him a chance.  The “white bread” of fuckable NBA players.

Number Five- The Magician Johnson

Again, a beautiful smile can get a guy pretty far[12].  Combined with The Magician’s game?  It’s not even a fair fight.

Johnson could do anything on the basketball court, truly anything.  As a rookie, the 20-year-old Johnson started at center in game six of the NBA Finals and led the Lakers to victory with a 42-point game.  He averaged 11 APG in his career, including six seasons over 12 APG.  Only four other players have ever done that and only half of them are fuckable[13].  He averaged over 8 RPG three straight years despite playing exclusively point guard.  His 3.4 SPG in 1980-81 are the fourth-most of all time, making him one of seven players to average over 3 SPG.  Of those seven, only Michael Jordan has also averaged over 20 PPG at any point in his career[14].  He was a 52% shooter in his career and hit over 85% of his free throws six times.  There was nothing Johnson couldn’t do.

Now, not everything is perfect with Johnson, but he was the sort of man that could sell sunglasses to The Pale Man[15].  Everything was fun when The Magician Johnson was around.  That smile never left his face.  If you for some reason are uncomfortable when fucking, don’t worry: Johnson will make you comfortable.  You’ll be telling him your darkest secrets after and know he’ll never share them with anyone else.  He’ll shave that goatee if you don’t like it.  He’ll even let you use his 1988-89 MVP award as a sex toy if that’s what you want.  The Magician Johnson will fulfill all your dreams.

Number 286- Tracy McGrady

Looking...at...you?

Peak Tracy McGrady had a very fuckable game.  For seven straight years, McGrady averaged over 25 PPG while going over 6 RPG and 5 APG in all but one season each.  Twice he led the league in scoring, joining the ranks of the Fuckable 30s with an average of 32 PPG in 2002-03.  He threw down dunks that brimmed with athleticism, broadcasting for all to hear that no sexual position was too hard for him.  He was a force of basketbature, which is like nature but with basketball, stupid.

McGrady went to the All-Star game all seven of those years, beginning with his age-21 season in Orlando.  What he didn’t do was stay healthy.  He missed at least 15 games in eight of his 15 seasons.  After averaging 22/5/6 as a 27-year-old in 2006-07, McGrady never again reached any of those totals, averaging double figures just once more his entire career.  Tracy McGrady became a sad husk of the monster that once had been.

This does not detract from the heights McGrady reached early in his career, of course.  McGrady was a beast of fuckable basketball for a long stretch of time, mastering the art in an era that was still lacking in the acrobatic, careless beauty of years gone past.  Sadly, Tray McGrady is passed up by many who simply sustained their fuckability longer.  McGrady fell off the map almost immediately after those seven season, with even those peak years mottled with injuries and big-game failures.  McGrady was a man that for all intents and purposes was one of the best players in the NBA but never really managed to prove it.  Even his point totals seemed hollow, as if he had accomplished his great feats in a vacuum.

Tracy McGrady was a man that everyone assumes would be great to fuck, only to be disappointed once they actually get to.  Also, he can stare at your face and your junk at the same time, which is very off-putting.

Number 67- Mack Calvin

An upset pick, Mack Calvin was a fuckable dude.  His afro was big enough to denote a whimsical personality but not so big as to detract from everything else he had going.  Mack Calvin didn’t smile but rather smirked knowingly, so sure was he that you could do nothing to bother him.  Mack Calvin was fucking ripped too, and scored at a pace few could match in the ABA.  In his second season in the league, Mack Calvin scored 27 PPG while still dishing out 7.6 APG.  Also, Mack Calvin’s name was “Mack Calvin,” one of the most fuckable names of all-time.  Write that name on a paper bag and you’d still want to fuck it.

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[1] Spoiler alert: I did your work for you, fatty.

[2] With a bullet.  A sexy, sexy bullet.

[3] Pretty fuckable right there, though doing good things very quickly is a little worrisome.

[4] First: Djibouti.

[5] I fucked Nene is what I’m saying.

[6] God forbid such a day come before the dying sun.

[7] You’re not expecting him to come all the way to you, are you?

[8] Amirite, ladies?

[9] Take that, Puritans!

[10] Oh, Sheed is Rasheed Wallace.  Was that not clear?

[11] Possibly true.

[12] Even past an HIV positive diagnosis.

[13] Sorry, Kevin Porter!

[14] Slick Watts didn’t even score 20 points in his career.

[15] From Pan’s Labyrinth.  Get it together.