Big Changes Coming into the Sounder's 2016 Season

The Seattle Sounders regular season opener is fast approaching. The first game is March 6th against Sporting Kansas City. When the game finally kicks off there will be one very notable absence from the Sounders starting 11 and another exciting addition. The departure is star forward Obafemi Martins who has left town and headed for a big payday with the Shanghai Greenland Shenua. The addition is young and talented Jordan Morris who chose to play in the MLS rather than head to Germany.

Shootyhoops Basketmakers: The Clippers

The Storied Greats of the Los Angeles Clippers

Nothing to see here.

The franchise now known as the Los Angeles Clippers has had one of the greatest histories in the history of histories.  History.  Originally formed as the Buffalo Braves in 1970, the Clippers have gone on to post 11 winning seasons total.  That includes two stretches of 12 years without a winning record, as well as a 15-year stretch without making the playoffs.  No one is quite sure what the Clippers did to receive such horrible basketballatory comeuppance, but receive it they did.

The Clippers stand alone in this, reigning supreme as one of the most fascinating franchises in all of pro sports.  No matter the coach, no matter the city, the Clippers have always been bad, proving that there will always be someone worse than you at something.  It is a beautiful comfort to all other basketball teams, allowing men like Adam Morrison to truly believe that they aren’t the worst thing ever.

Even with all this failure in their history, the Clippers have had a handful of notable players[1].  Many all-time greats have worn the Clippers uniform with pride, usually on accident or as some sort of demented joke.  Even so, this is a franchise to be celebrated, for they truly are unique in their history.  No one will ever match what the Clippers have done unintentionally, and for that we love them.  These players, listed in no particular order, have all been a part of this decades-long art piece.  Never forget them nor the sacrifice they have made so that others can feel good about themselves.

Shootyhoops Basketmakers: 1970-80

The Awkward Teenage Years

 The strangest portion of the NBA’s history came during the 1970s, a time when America widely agreed that they just didn’t give a fuck anymore.  It was a period of transition for the NBA, with the Celtics fading to the background and new styles and players being incorporated from the ABA slowly but surely.  It was also a time when all sorts of weird teams won championships, resulting in crazy tidbits like the Seattle SuperSonics having a title despite not existing anymore, or the Washington Bullets being considered a franchise that WASN’T to be laughed at openly.  Players with names like Campy Russell or Elmore Smith abounded.  Every good player was no longer guaranteed to be a center: in fact, some teams were beginning to be built around GUARDS, of all things.  Little, tiny guards, no bigger than the biggest person you've ever met in the real world.

Shootyhoops Basketmakers: Mo Lucas

Maurice Lucas Is Coming

Uh oh, he's spotted you.

Maurice Lucas will fucking kill you.  He doesn’t care what you did.  He’s waiting for you at your house right now and he’s going to kill you the second you walk in that door.  It will be brutal and unstoppable and you will know pain.

Maybe you aren’t afraid.  Maybe you’ve tangled with Charles Oakley before and came out alright, or you took a clothesline from Kevin McHale and lived through the encounter as well as Tommy Heinsohn insisting that you committed an offensive foul by ruining into McHale’s arm.  Maybe you once drove your car at full speed into Wes Unseld without a seat belt on.

It does not matter what experiences you’ve had or what you’ve lived through.  Maurice Lucas knows exactly where you’ve been.  He knows what you’ve done.  Yes, even that.  It makes no difference.  Maurice Lucas will kill you.  If he wants you dead, you’re dead.  There is no stopping Maurice Lucas.  Even typing his name enrages him.  Maurice Lucas[1].

Shootyhoops Basketmakers: Bibliballers

The Prophet Moses

The 1981 NBA Finals.

Those among us who consider themselves good, God-fearing Christians are no doubt familiar with what is to come in this section.  As such, I would like to recommend that they skip this section and spend the time elsewhere.  Perhaps they can work on their God-fearing, a skill that doubtless needs constant training.

For those that remain, this section is of vital importance.  There have only been three men in history to appear in both the Bible and in the NBA, and each of them were prophets in their own way.  There was Yeshua, the man who would die for our sins before being resurrected as an able stretch four for the Detroit Pistons under the guise of “Luigi Datome.”  There was King David Wingate, who slay the mighty Goliath and then kind of coasted through his basketball years if we’re being honest.  And then there was Moses.

Shootyhoops Basketmakers: Rick Barry

Rick Barry Can’t Have Anything Easy

Basketball at the professional level is chock full of amazing athletes.  Every year, the championship is determined as much by luck and health as it is by talent.  The luck of the draw matters so much for a player’s success in the league simply because of the level of competition around them.  Some happen into perfect situations, playing for years with a clean bill of health and never making any mental mistakes, like murdering their driver or overdosing on cocaine.

Some don’t.  Sometimes, Lady Luck is really an asshole to people for no reason.  It’s almost as if she weren’t really and that luck is just a construct of the human psyche to try and justify that happening around us.  If anyone understands this, it’s Rick Barry, Hall of Famer and victim of circumstance.