The Storied Greats of
the Los Angeles Clippers
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| Nothing to see here. |
The franchise now known as the Los Angeles Clippers has had
one of the greatest histories in the history of histories. History.
Originally formed as the Buffalo Braves in 1970, the Clippers have gone
on to post 11 winning seasons total. That
includes two stretches of 12 years without a winning record, as well as a
15-year stretch without making the playoffs.
No one is quite sure what the Clippers did to receive such horrible
basketballatory comeuppance, but receive it they did.
The Clippers stand alone in this, reigning supreme as one of
the most fascinating franchises in all of pro sports. No matter the coach, no matter the city, the
Clippers have always been bad, proving that there will always be someone worse
than you at something. It is a beautiful
comfort to all other basketball teams, allowing men like Adam Morrison to truly
believe that they aren’t the worst thing ever.
Even with all this failure in their history, the Clippers
have had a handful of notable players[1]. Many all-time greats have worn the Clippers
uniform with pride, usually on accident or as some sort of demented joke. Even so, this is a franchise to be
celebrated, for they truly are unique in their history. No one will ever match what the Clippers have
done unintentionally, and for that we love them. These players, listed in no particular order,
have all been a part of this decades-long art piece. Never forget them nor the sacrifice they have
made so that others can feel good about themselves.
Benoit Benjamin:
Drafted third overall by the Clippers, Benjamin would go on to lead the league
in games played in 1995-96 with 83.
Benjamin reached this total by insisting that a zero-point, one-rebound
performance on January 12 did not count and that a do-over was in order. Eagle-eyed viewers may notice that Benjamin
was no longer a member of the Clippers when this occurred. This is how memorable Benoit Benjamin’s
Clippers career was.
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| "So basketball...right there?" |
Eric Piatkowski:
Despite constant bullying from the middle school population of the Los Angeles
area, Piatkowski persevered and ended his career with more three-pointers than
any Clipper in history. He played nine
seasons for the Clippers, never winning more than 39 games in a season (and
even that just once). Before entering
the NBA, he was named Mr. Basketball in South Dakota, meaning he was the only
high school senior in the state over six-feet tall. He then played for the University of
Nebraska. This means that Piatkowski was
the only man in NBA history to enter the league with the Clippers and see it as
a noticeable improvement in his team’s talent level. It also marked the first time Piatkowski had
ever seen a black person.
Michael Cage: The
most Jherri-curled NBA player of all time, Cage averaged double-digit scoring
just three times in his career. In the
two of those years he played for the franchise, the Clippers were a combined
29-135. Cage did have a 17-point,
19-rebound, 7-steal, 4-block game in 1988, which would have been exceptionally
impressive had the Clippers not lost the game by 15. That hair though.
Mike Dunleavy:
The longest-tenured coach in Clippers history, Dunleavy coached for six and a
half years. He is the only Clippers
coach to make it to the five-year mark and one of three to make it past three
years. Dunleavy’s longevity has been
largely explained away by Donald Sterling being really, really racist. He did have a winning record once though,
which is more than 19 other Clippers coaches can say!
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| Always stretch before you moustache. |
James Edwards: I
bet you forgot that James Edwards had played for the Clippers. You are a fool! James Edwards played for every professional
sports team in America, past, present, and future. James Edwards is the allfather. Kneel before him.
Blake Griffin:
Unquestionably the greatest Clipper of all-time, Griffin still has plenty of
time left for his career to be ruined and/or continue on another, better
team. Griffin’s career averages of
21/10/4 as of 2015 will only make it all the more hilarious when he is traded
to the Houston Rockets for the draft rights to Rafael Araujo despite these
draft rights no longer being applicable. Being a Clipper, Griffin also once broke his hand punching a team employee in the mouth.
Randy Smith: The
career leader in games played, points, assists, steals, fouls, and shots missed
for the Clippers, Smith played nine seasons for the franchise, beginning in its
Buffalo years. Weirdly, he was a
competent NBA player as well. One that
other franchises may have actually wanted on their rosters. Randy Smith was a good NBA player that played
for the Clippers for a significant amount of time. Think about that for a second. On the flip side, Randy Smith is no question
the saddest franchise points leader of any NBA team. His only competition for that title is Buck
Williams, who once scored 31 points in a game and immediately vaulted to the
top of the list in Nets history.
Michael Olowokandi:
Tehe.
Elton Brand:
Brand represents the rare player that was good for the Clippers, left for
another team, and immediately got worse.
He may be the only example of a player who did worse outside of the
Clippers organization than within it. Is
this because he got lazy once he got paid $15 million a year? Did his legs just give out? Or was he kidnapped and replaced by Dan
Aykroyd to see if Aykroyd could become an effective NBA post with the right
environment? The answer may be lost to
time.
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| Not an action shot: he is perfectly still here. |
Chris Kaman:
Kaman once had his own fishing television show.
He was also a basketball player and unfrozen Neanderthal.
Loy Vaught: THE
JOKE’S ON YOU DID YOU THINK I WOULD FORGET LOY VAUGHT? Vaught never did anything noteworthy but play
for the Clippers, though he did managed to average a double-double twice. Outside of that, he remains the greatest
“Loy” in NBA history. Loy, of course,
being an honorary title bestowed upon those landowning, voting members of the
Althing.
This must be a list of pre Steve Ballmer Clippers. Otherwise DeAndre Jordan and Chris Paul are noteworthy. Jordan holds the NBA record for most emojis send in a 24 hr period. Chris Paul is a State Farm salesman who has been trapped in the Clippers locker for years.
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