David Thompson,
All-Seeing Time Lord
In the early 1970s there came the dawn of a new era of
basketball and perhaps no player represented that era better than David
Thompson. Thompson was a new evolution
of the basketball player, spending his time either dunking the ball or snorting
cocaine[1]. What set Thompson apart as a trailblazer was
his most consuming hobby: time-travelling.
During his collegiate career at North Carolina State,
Thompson realized that basketball alone would never be enough to keep his
genius engaged. Having gone 57-1 over
his junior and senior seasons, Thompson knew he had to find something that
could really challenge him. Sure,
alley-oops were fun, but that was just another example of how far ahead of his
time Thompson already was: no one had even considered the alley-oop a possibility
before Thompson debuted it during his college career. He was a pioneer with no equal, yet was
desperate to grow beyond that. With no
challenges ahead of him, Thompson decided to focus on academic pursuits. Academic pursuits and cocaine, that is.
After winning the 1974 NCAA Championship with the help of a
car dealership inflatable tube man by the name of Tom Burleson, Thompson holed
himself up in his secret laboratory. His
commitment to science over that offseason is often credited as why the Wolfpack
were unable to defend their title in 1975, though the scientific community has
come to the consensus that it was totally worth it. For in that summer, after hours of work and
more hours of cocaine and also some more cocaine, Thompson made a breakthrough
like none other.
David Thompson invented the time machine.
 |
| While on cocaine. |
There are, of course, two schools of thought as to how time
travel would work. The first, known as
the Wellsian school, posits that one must take an old-timey sleigh, combine it
with the back half of a fan boat, and throw some odd bells and whistles on
there until it looks sci-fi-y enough to pass.
Then, using science somehow, you’ll be able to throw a switch and travel
about time. The second, known as the Dr.
Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters for unrelated reasons, simply involves a
DeLorean and a well-timed lightning strike.
This school of thought has always been considered more dangerous, as
everyone who has ever tried it has ended up developing Parkinson’s at a young
age.
Neither of these traditional ideas is correct. If they were, we’d all be time-travelling
around, high-fiving Joan of Arc and pantsing that sissy Gandhi. No, only David Thompson knows the true secret
of time travel, and he isn’t telling. As
best anyone has been able to tell, Thompson simply ingests as much cocaine as
he can, leaps high into the air, and yells a series of magic words that
correspond to the when and where he wishes to travel to. It really doesn’t make much sense, but then
again the rest of humanity isn’t David Thompson.
With the secrets of time effectively unraveled for him,
Thompson knew that he could now truly challenge himself. He began to make his way about the time
stream willy nilly, funding his travels through his influential fur-trading
business, which he founded during one coke-fueled gallivant through the early
19th century. His only goal
was to overcome whatever obstacles he could find. In every recorded account of Thompson’s
travels, he did just that, usually by dunking.
It’s very surprising how many of the world’s problems can be solved by
dunking.
 |
| And by cocaine. |
No one knows just where Thompson has been throughout his
many years of travel. In fact, Thompson
has not been seen in the present since 2009, when the then-55-year-old Thompson
attempted to dunk and disappeared in a powdery cloud of cocaine. It is possible that Thompson turned into
cocaine at that point, as he had prophesized he would in the “tomorrow years,”
but most hold out hope that he has simply travelled to the future to aid in
humanity’s future war with something cool but dangerous. Apes, maybe?
Robot apes? Maybe even an alien
race wishing to enslave humanity and use them for sustenance, and also the
aliens look like apes.
During one of his trips, when he was summering in Damascus
in 1193, Thompson was met with a challenge he had never faced before. The Ayyubid Sultan Saladin suggested to
Thompson that he pursue athletics as a new hobby. Thompson had already gifted the Sultan his
discovery of algebra and had been complaining of boredom since defeating the
Crusaders singlehandedly at the Battle of Hattin. Saladin, desperate to get Thompson out of his
home, explained that many soldiers turned to athletic events in times of peace
to exercise their competitive nature.
Having been present at the first Olympics, Thompson realized this could
very well be an interesting way for him to pass his time for a bit. He bid Saladin adieu and leapt forward in
time randomly. The sight of Thompson’s
time machine at work was so shocking that Saladin collapsed dead that instant.
On a side note, Thompson played eight years in the NBA. He managed to be the 1st overall
pick of both the ABA and NBA draft in 1975, which would be impressive if it
weren’t for the fact that the ABA held somewhere between three and 500 drafts
every year. Surprisingly, Thompson chose
the ABA and played one year there for the Denver Nuggets before the NBA
absorbed the league. He averaged over 20
points a game for the first six years of his career, mostly by dunking and also
by dunking more. He played almost every
game during that span as well, missing six games over his first four years
before an expedition to Viking-held Greenland (and his subsequent ankle injury
sustained there) kept him out of the majority of the 1979-80 season. His peak, however, was absolutely astounding,
far surpassing anyone else in the league at the time.
It was during this time that Thompson clashed with his first
worthy basketball adversary in many years.
At the same time that Thompson was tearing up defenses, first human
George Gervin was doing the same for the San Antonio Spurs. Thompson and Gervin had tussled before in
Gervin’s youth, roughly 66 million years ago.
It was during Thompson’s historical phase, when he travelled throughout
the time stream viewing important historical events for fun. When he traveled back in time to see what
killed the dinosaurs, he was surprised to step out of the cave he parked the
time machine in and see another human.
Gervin’s destruction of the dinosaurs sparked a competitive fire within
Thompson that he had thought had died out.
The mutual respect the two had fostered during that meeting was enough
to peak Thompson’s interest in another meeting.
In fact, the only reason Thompson decided to play professional
basketball in the era he did was so that he could face off against Gervin
again.
Their most impressive battle came during the 1977-78
season. Thompson found himself on a
particularly amazing roll that season, scoring over 27 PPG on 52% shooting
despite defenses focusing their every effort on him. The Nuggets did their best to take the
pressure off Thompson with the scoring abilities of Dan Issel and hahaha oh man
you guys no they didn’t, it was all about Thompson. He was incredible, scoring over 40 six times
despite playing before the advent of the 3-pointer. In fact, Thompson only scored under 15 points
twice all season, with both games coming due to Thompson’s distraction by just
so much cocaine.
 |
| This much. |
Gervin matched Thompson stride for stride throughout the
season, however. The Iceman[2]
only scored over 40 four times that season but was more consistent in his
overall production than Thompson[3]. Thompson often would show up to games running
on fumes, having just returned from toppling the Hapsburgs or introducing
cocaine to Robo-Stalin, ruler of Moon Base Russiatown. In the end, their race to lead the league in
scoring came down to the last game of the season for them each.
Thompson had fallen behind in the scoring race by
ever-so-slight of margins and knew he had a lot of ground to make up. This was not a problem for Thompson, as very
few things are problematic to a time lord[4]. Thompson started out strong with a 32-point
first quarter. I want to emphasize for a
second that I am not joking about that: Thompson just straight up decided “ya,
ok, I’ll score all the points in the world today.” The buckets kept falling, over and over
again, to the point that Thompson had 53 points at the half.
Now, there are a few ridiculous things about this game. For one, David Thompson, who had started the
day 14 points behind Gervin for the NBA scoring lead, ended with 73 points in
the game. Only two players in the
history of the NBA have ever scored more, and one of those two did it against
the Toronto Raptors so really does that even count? Second, the Nuggets managed to lose a game in
which David Thompson score 73 points.
Not only did they lose, but they lost to the Detroit Pistons, who at
that time had such NBA luminaries as no one at all.
Still, Thompson’s feat was amazing. He made 13 of 14 shots in the first quarter
and 20 of 23 in the first half. Yes, he
went 8 for 15 in the second half, but it’s important to keep in mind that that
number only looks bad because holy shit look at those other numbers. Thompson was simply unbelievable all game and
came out looking like the true scoring champion. He had found his greatest challenger in
George Gervin and come out on top once again, reinvigorated.
 |
| Something else helped reinvigorated him. Cocaine. |
Of course, Gervin had something to say about all this. Gervin knew what Thompson had accomplished
earlier that night and knew exactly what he needed to do to retain his title[5]:
he needed to score at least 59 points.
If you’re following along at home, this is an absurd number of points. Think of the most points you ever saw the
Detroit Pistons score, then double that, and you’re almost to the amount Gervin
needed.
Gervin was up to the task, however, thanks in large part to
an NBA-record 33 points in the second quarter.
The Iceman played dangerously, letting loose with his elemental powers
and coming oh-so-close to bringing about another Ice Age as he froze the
defense. As he was facing the New
Orleans Jazz, this amount of effort really wasn’t all that necessary. Many of Gervin’s points came from him simply
walking up to Gail Goodrich, reaching over his head, and dunking the ball, all
while Pete Maravich scrambled to climb onto Goodrich’s shoulders in time to
contest the shot.
By the end of the game, Gervin had scored 63 points, giving
him just enough to retain his lead in the scoring race. In fact, Gervin won the title by .07
PPG. Over the course of a full season,
that meant Gervin would have outscored Thompson by a whopping 6 points[6].
As much as Thompson respected his adversary, he was driven
insane by his defeat. Thompson had given
full effort the entire season for the first time in decades, so invigorated was
he by Gervin’s competition. Yet, he still
came out the loser. This could not
be. Thompson would not stand for it.
There are some losses even a time machine can’t fix,
however. No matter how many times he
replayed the last game of the season using his time lord powers, Thompson
always lost. When he would score 80
points, Gervin would all of a sudden score 85.
When Thompson put up 100 after a plethora of attempts, Gervin somehow
managed to score 120. Every time he
tried, Thompson came out further and further behind. He was dumbfounded. It was the only thing he had encountered that
he could not fix, no matter how many times he relived the events. Gervin had defeated him and always would, in
every time stream. There was nothing he
could do.
Thompson played for another six seasons after that defeat,
but his heart was never in it again.
Gervin had outdone him, actually upping his scoring average the next two
years to a peak of 33.1 PPG. Sure,
Thompson could destroy any other player in the NBA with ease of effort but he
would never be the undisputed champion throughout the time streams again. He was a broken man. By the time he turned 30, he was out of the
NBA, choosing instead to focus his pursuits throughout time and under a number
of different pseudonyms. Thompson no
longer cared for the spotlight. No
matter what he did, no matter what praise was heaped upon him, he would always
be the second best.
No one has seen Thompson for years on end now, as he has
disappeared into time, presumably. His
NBA career, however brief, will always be remembered for its brilliance. Even so, defeat defined his time there for Thompson. There have only been two things that have
ever bested Thompson: Gervin and cocaine.
While he has always held the utmost respect for each, Thompson had no
desire to live in a world where he had been so thoroughly defeated.
And that is why David Thompson continues to change history
willy-nilly, like an even-less-careful Bill and Ted. If you ever wake up one morning to find that
Thomas Dewey actually was President of the United States and you now live in a
horrible fascist dystopia, know that this is because David Thompson willed it
to be and remember that no matter what he does, he can never erase the shame of
only scoring 73 points in one game.
[1]
And oftentimes both simultaneously.
[2] As
he was known for his role in exterminating the dinosaurs.
[3]
See again: cocaine.
[4]
Keep in mind that when I say time lord, I mean a real lord of time, not some
pussy shit who fights mobile washing machines with a screwdriver.
[5]
And the fiefdom that came with it as a reward.
[6]
Thompson played 80 games to Gervin’s 82 that season, so the actual totals are a
bit different.
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