Maurice Lucas Is
Coming
 |
| Uh oh, he's spotted you. |
Maurice Lucas will fucking kill you. He doesn’t care what you did. He’s waiting for you at your house right now
and he’s going to kill you the second you walk in that door. It will be brutal and unstoppable and you
will know pain.
Maybe you aren’t afraid.
Maybe you’ve tangled with Charles Oakley before and came out alright, or
you took a clothesline from Kevin McHale and lived through the encounter as
well as Tommy Heinsohn insisting that you committed an offensive foul by
ruining into McHale’s arm. Maybe you
once drove your car at full speed into Wes Unseld without a seat belt on.
It does not matter what experiences you’ve had or what
you’ve lived through. Maurice Lucas
knows exactly where you’ve been. He
knows what you’ve done. Yes, even
that. It makes no difference. Maurice Lucas will kill you. If he wants you dead, you’re dead. There is no stopping Maurice Lucas. Even typing his name enrages him. Maurice Lucas[1].
Nothing but death follows Maurice Lucas. He is all four horsemen wrapped up into one,
but still with four horses. In 218 B.C.,
Maurice Lucas saw Hannibal cross the Alps, laughed, and killed the Alps. They are dead now. Before that date, they were a living,
breathing being that would say hello to you and seduce your daughter like any
good swarthy Italian.
In 1099, the crusading Catholic forces came upon Jerusalem,
only to find it empty. Maurice Lucas had
slaughtered everyone within. As the
crusaders gawked at this angel of death, Maurice Lucas killed them all with a
series of elbows and post moves.
In 1862, Maurice Lucas was crossing Burnside’s Bridge near
Sharpsburg, Maryland, only to find the armies of the Confederacy and the United
States lying in wait on each side of the river.
Lucas was miffed by the fact that neither army had invited him along on
their marches and so engaged both.
22,700 casualties were recorded, all of them caused by Lucas. He spent most of the battle catching bullets
in his teeth before melting them with his fire breath and pouring the molten
metal down the throats of his enemies.
In 1879, the Zulus foolishly believed they would be able to
protect their homeland from British incursion.
They put up a valiant fight but insisted on attacking the British forces
encamped at Kambula. Maurice Lucas was
there. 20,000 Zulus attacked. 11 British were killed. Maurice Lucas won this battle, just as he had
won so many beforehand all to satiate his terrible bloodlust. Side note: he also killed those 11 British
soldiers just to see if he could. He
could.
In 1976, Lucas joined the Portland Trailblazers after the
ABA’s dissolution. He immediately
averaged 20/11/3. Lucas was known for
his tough rebounding, which involved punching his hand through the chest of
anyone that had gotten position on him then pulling the ball back through to
him. No one attempted to box him out
again for the rest of his 12-year career.
 |
| He is legion. |
In 1985, jellybean enthusiast Ronald Reagan hired Maurice
Lucas to take care of the Sandinista revolutionaries taking control of
Nicaragua. Lucas killed thousands
throughout Nicaragua before growing board of this charade and leaking the
details of Reagan’s plan to the press.
Lucas thought it was real funny and removed any mention of him from the
scandal, instead leaking his codename “Contra” which he had chosen based on his
favorite arcade game.
In 1988, Lucas retired from basketball, having grown tired
of how little he was challenged by the opposition. Lucas had averaged 14 and 9 in his NBA
career, including two years over 20 PPG and four years of double-digit
rebounds. Lucas also killed hundreds of
people, including the entire population of Saint Louis after misinterpreting
their team name as a plea to make them all literal spirits.
In 1994, Lucas’ close friend O.J. Simpson mentioned off-hand
how bothered he was by his wife constantly hanging out with a local waiter she
had become close friends with. Lucas
took it upon himself to solve the issue by murdering them both. When Simpson became aware of this, he
chastised Lucas for the decision, becoming particularly angry when he learned
Lucas had worn the expensive leather gloves that Simpson had bought him for
Christmas the year before. Several hours
later, Simpson realized that Lucas would probably retaliate and murder him as
well. Simpson, best known for his role
in the Naked Gun franchise and for running real fast, tried to escape to Mexico
in his white SUV, knowing that Lucas had a disdain for Mexico and did not wish
to visit, even to murder.
Maurice Lucas will fucking kill you.
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