NHL Offseason Part 3: The Flames Won't Win It

Champion.

Continuing our 30 part series on why NHL teams suck, let us move on the pride of the worst part of Canada: the Calgary Flames.

1. Centers matter usually:  Quick, name the Flames' first line center.  Stop drinking that hot liquid, because you're about to spit it onto your dinner date for a very embarrassing situation, because it's Olli Jokinen.  Yes, the Olli that was a minus-17 last season.  The Olli that wins a mediocre 47% of his faceoffs and scored a mediore 54 points in 79 games.  The other centers? Matt Stajan and 700-year-old Brendan Morrison.  If you hadn't caught my drift, Olli is very, very mediocre (beyond the occasional mustache he sports.)  Sure, that can be ok for your third-line center (ask Kyle Wellwood!), but you usually want a good player centering Jarome Iginla.  If you agree with this last statement, you obviously don't work in the Flames front office, as they have no desire to bring in any other good players.  Which leads me to....



2. Helping Jarome Iginla with anything: 32-year-old Alex Tanguay is unquestionably the second best offensive player on this team.  Do I need to say more?  Yes, yes I do.  The Flames seem to seek out players nobody actually wants, bringing in Matt Stajan (who the MAPLE LEAFS tired of for God's sake), Ales Kotalik, and Tom Kostopoulos to try and help out Iginla.  These are not players that help with things, and especially not with hockey.  You know who might help Iginla out?  Any other competent forward.  Sure, Rene Bourque had a breakout year with 27 goals, but what else is on that roster?  That's right, defensemen and Mikka Kiprusoff.

3. Mikka Kiprusoff: The Flames seem to always start the season off in a big rut and never can quite dig out of it.  In totally unrelated news, Kiprusoff had a 2.8 GAA in the first month of the season, which doesn't seem totally awful until you realize he only saves about 90% of the shots on goal every season.  This is not a good number.  With a GAA forever pushed down by guys like Anton Babchuk and Jarome Iginla doing all the real defensive work, Kiprusoff looks a lot better than he is.  The man gave up four or more goals in about a fourth of the games he played, which is a sure way to lose a game for your team.  Also, he is 35 so.... just sayin'.  And finally, let it be known that the Flames will not win because they are the Flames, and just can't shake that Saddledome stink.