Dear Pennsylvania,
My biggest goal well inside of you has been to acquire a Pittsburgh Penguins shirt. Be it a simple blue secondary shirt, or even just a jersey T, I would be happy. However, you presented one problem: you're all too fat.
Every single shirt I have come across is sized L or above, going all the way to quintuple extra large. That's right, there are more Penguins fans who wear a XXXXXL than a medium.
Shame on you, Pittsburgh Penguins. Shame on you for allowing your fans to be so fat. However, this has made me think: what are the vices of some other fan groups?
Seattle Mariners/Seahawks: Coffee. How else could Cliff Lee pitch so quickly?
Boston Red Sox/Bruins/Celtics: Douchebaggery. Even when it doesn't matter, no Boston fan can resist the chance to be a complete and utter douche.
Oakland Raiders/Golden State Warriors: Stabbings. The Raiders won, let's commit gang violence! The Raiders lost, let's commit gang violence! Monta Ellis shot 29% from the field, let's commit gang violence!
Florida Everything: Apathy. Hey guys, want to go watch the Marlins play .500 ball or go to the beach and watch attractive women ignore us?
Canada (Blue Jays, a bunch of hockey teams, Raptors): Beer. How better to deal with sub-10 degree temperatures constantly and everything involving the Maple Leafs?
Philadelphia Flyers/Phillies/Eagles: Booing. They're not booing, they're saying Booooooooilly Wagner!
Milwaukee Brewers/Bucks: Hahaha, just kidding, Milwaukee's not a real city!
So I understand, Pennsylvania, that other places have problems too. Hell, Philly is a part of you and has other problems. Just try and lose some weight, ok?
Sincerely,
Matt Swanson
No comments:
Post a Comment